Like Narcissus, I was mesmerised by the reflection. Softened by the shimmer of sunshine on tiny ripples, the scars looked merely a shadow; my face, the face of a long-forgotten yet desperately missed friend. I lifted cool, wet fingertips from the water to trace the sweep of twisted skin and felt them warm with tears.
The sound of laughter dragged my eyes from the pool. A family approached my quiet oasis, a boy riding high on his father’s shoulders while mother and daughter swung clasped hands between them as they skipped ahead. A wicker picnic basket was enough of a warning. I slunk away, my mind aching with regret at the possibilities they’d stolen from me. Dappled light shone through the ancient broadleaf canopy as I pushed my way through thick undergrowth to find the abandoned trail. Once through, I took a moment to pull sticky willows from my cardigan and curls and suck on the heel of my hand, the blood-stained victim of a particularly vicious, thorny bramble. I don’t think I had any plans in that moment. They grew with the hill, becoming increasingly dark and demanding as my atrophied calf burned with the incline. The heady fragrance of honeysuckle almost brought me to my knees, but I forced my legs to take me to the top where I knew I’d find some kind of peace. Sinking onto a bed of wild flowers, I closed my eyes to the panoramic view and let myself remember the last time we’d been there. The musk of him mingling with the sweet freshness of lily of the valley. The grass tickling my back as he kissed my breasts. His long-lashed, brown eyes shining with love as he pushed himself into me. The ecstasy of that coupling; the absolute rightness of it. Three years it had been. Three years of loss: of him, of myself, of my future. I was standing at the edge before I realised I’d moved. Beneath me, a hundred foot drop of jutting rock promised an end to the pain. An end to reliving the scream of metal tearing into metal. And end to waking, dripping with sweat, as the bone-breaking impact slammed through our fragile bodies. An end to living with agony, and the horror in children’s eyes. An end to the torment of forever remembering him still and silent, never to hold me again. They hadn’t been charged with the death of my unborn babe and there would be no other. Not with this face and this body. I felt myself sway towards the drop, as if a magnet was calling me. It would be so easy. The dog saved me. He pressed himself between me and the edge, pushing me back, his strength more than a match for mine. I found myself on the ground, sobbing, my arms around his neck, my face buried in soft, warm fur. When I was calm, he touched his cold nose to mine and left me there, answering the cheerful calls of his owner. “Dougie! Where are you, boy? You can’t just abandon me without a good reason, you know. Dougie?” I heard the happy reunion and stood to leave. I’d made it to the honeysuckle when they stepped in front of me, the golden labrador’s tail wagging, his handsome owner smiling as he inhaled the heart-warming fragrance. “Something smells good,” he said. “It’s honeysuckle,” I told him. “No, definitely magnolia and citrus.” He bent to stroke his guide dog. “Have you been match-making again, Dougie?” He stood and grinned right at me. “Dougie and I are partial to Chanel. As, it seems, are you?” I’d splashed the last of the Cristalle on that morning. An expensive birthday gift from Jamie, its end had seemed symbolic, driving me to the park in some sort of attempt to let him go. I looked at this tousle-haired athlete in front of me and wondered at the ease with which he navigated these wooded slopes and flirted with a disfigured girl he’d never see. “It was a present,” I told him, my voice breaking just a little. I found myself walking with them, chatting and laughing like a normal person. He sensed my unease when we made it to the car park and a plethora of rude stares so I told him while we waited for his Uber. I expected rejection, for his sudden desire to forget our meeting. One word changed my life forever. “Coffee?”
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